Oscar Acceptance Speeches and the Universe

The Oscars have come and gone. Another annual rite of spring. As Amy Adams said to Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet, "I'm more nervous this year. I think it's because I'm more present."



I get that, Amy. I do. I'm more present this year than I ever have been, and not just because I'm no longer on the pain meds.


As I was preparing for my Find Your Inner Larry: Vitamins for the Soul presentation at the lovely Ramada Inn here in North Platte, Nebraska, I found myself drawn to the Academy Awards as they played on the TV set in my motel room.


Who doesn't love all those inspirational acceptance speeches?

In fact, I was thinking to myself, should Find Your Inner Larry ever become a movie, I wouldn't mind that Colin Firth fellow playing me. He doesn't have my looks, but he carries himself with the kind of inner dignity that I feel would be appropriate. A man like that can convey the pain, the depression, the self-doubt, the terrible darkness, the loss, the loneliness, the discipline that comes with celibacy, and of course the ultimate triumphant quality of my life.

(In this photo, Colin Firth is actually almost a dead ringer for me, if you ignore the swelling and bruising on my face at the moment.)

And as everyone who's read my book knows, the best way to make something happen is to simply say it out loud so the Universe can hear and say, Yes, Larry! You betcha!

So, Universe, here are my Oscar acceptance speeches, prepared in advance, so that when the time comes, I'll be ready.

(For best adapted screenplay by me): I'd like to thank all my fans across the country who share their stories about how I've touched their lives. I especially appreciate the inmates across the country who write me so frequently and in such moving detail. I won't be able to answer your letters now that I'm famous, but I still appreciate you.

(For best actor; I'll let Colin read the speech, but I'll write it in advance for him. Poor fellow seems a little flustered on his feet): I'd like to thank Larry Walters for helping me to Find My Inner Larry. I used to have self-doubts, I stuttered, I couldn't dance. Now because of Larry, I'm winning this second Oscar. Thanks, Larry. Couldn't have done it without you and the Universe. Frankly I don't know how I ever won the first one without you.

(Aww. He really is a great guy, isn't he?)

(For best picture, I assume the producer Harvey Weinstein will be giving this one): I'd like to thank the Universe. We have a direct line. And thank you, Larry. You've made me a better human being.


Daily Affirmation: I'm more nervous this year because I'm more present.