Oscar Acceptance Speeches and the Universe

The Oscars have come and gone. Another annual rite of spring. As Amy Adams said to Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet, "I'm more nervous this year. I think it's because I'm more present."



I get that, Amy. I do. I'm more present this year than I ever have been, and not just because I'm no longer on the pain meds.


As I was preparing for my Find Your Inner Larry: Vitamins for the Soul presentation at the lovely Ramada Inn here in North Platte, Nebraska, I found myself drawn to the Academy Awards as they played on the TV set in my motel room.


Who doesn't love all those inspirational acceptance speeches?

In fact, I was thinking to myself, should Find Your Inner Larry ever become a movie, I wouldn't mind that Colin Firth fellow playing me. He doesn't have my looks, but he carries himself with the kind of inner dignity that I feel would be appropriate. A man like that can convey the pain, the depression, the self-doubt, the terrible darkness, the loss, the loneliness, the discipline that comes with celibacy, and of course the ultimate triumphant quality of my life.

(In this photo, Colin Firth is actually almost a dead ringer for me, if you ignore the swelling and bruising on my face at the moment.)

And as everyone who's read my book knows, the best way to make something happen is to simply say it out loud so the Universe can hear and say, Yes, Larry! You betcha!

So, Universe, here are my Oscar acceptance speeches, prepared in advance, so that when the time comes, I'll be ready.

(For best adapted screenplay by me): I'd like to thank all my fans across the country who share their stories about how I've touched their lives. I especially appreciate the inmates across the country who write me so frequently and in such moving detail. I won't be able to answer your letters now that I'm famous, but I still appreciate you.

(For best actor; I'll let Colin read the speech, but I'll write it in advance for him. Poor fellow seems a little flustered on his feet): I'd like to thank Larry Walters for helping me to Find My Inner Larry. I used to have self-doubts, I stuttered, I couldn't dance. Now because of Larry, I'm winning this second Oscar. Thanks, Larry. Couldn't have done it without you and the Universe. Frankly I don't know how I ever won the first one without you.

(Aww. He really is a great guy, isn't he?)

(For best picture, I assume the producer Harvey Weinstein will be giving this one): I'd like to thank the Universe. We have a direct line. And thank you, Larry. You've made me a better human being.


Daily Affirmation: I'm more nervous this year because I'm more present.

Cracked Eggs and Psychosynthesis

I'd like to share a little something I found on Twitter today.  @AncientProverbs posted this profound, ancient Chinese proverb: "Flies never visit an egg that has no crack."

Cool beans!

I don't really know what it meant to the ancient Chinese, but I can tell you what it means to me. You may have noticed that I have a profile picture on my Twitter feed (@InnerLarry) at last. No, it's not me, as I'm still waiting for the bruising and swelling from my face lift to go down.

It is, however, the psychosynthesis egg diagram, revealing all the states of our consciousness and where they would be located within us if we were eggs.

Color version of the psychosynthesis egg diagram


Psychosynthesis, developed by the Italian psychiatrist Roberto Assagioli, formulated the concept of "Superconsciousness" in which we aspire to the sublime. And suppressing these impulses to aspire is even more dangerous to ourselves than repressing our other, more animalistic urges. I don't pretend to be a psychiatrist, but I am a superman when it comes to repression!

Which is why I explained to my (former) wife that I had to remain celibate as I sought my best, sublime life.

"What are you talking about? Roberto Assagioli wasn't celibate! And he invented this stuff," she said.

Okay, she's good with Google, I'll grant my ex-wife that, but she missed the point entirely.

Because I'm not Roberto Assagioli. I'm Larry, and I'm all about finding my Inner Larry, which is also like finding my Superconsciousness.

I'll explain more about Finding Your Inner Larry in the days and months and years to come. But for today, I wanted to introduce you to the concept of eggs, superconsciousness and cracking.

Daily Affirmation: An uncracked egg doesn't attract flies. But you can't make an omelette without cracking a few eggs. Thankfully the Universe provides an answer to this conundrum: Eat that omelette while it's hot and fresh and before the flies can get it.


BTW, you can follow me on Twitter @InnerLarry. Contrary to some rumors out there, you don't have to be a pornbot or spam to follow @InnerLarry!

Testimonial: 80s Supermodel Azziah

Once again, I'm happy to receive another fan letter from a reader of FYIL: Find Your Inner Larry.

This one kind of speaks for itself. All I can add is that I'm always honored to be of service to my fellow Minions of the Universe.

Larry Dear,

Let me tell you how much I’ve enjoyed the ARC I received of your darling book Find Your Inner Larry.

I lost my inner Larry somewhere between cab stops in the East Village. Just kidding.

Here goes. I am Azziah. You no doubt remember me from the 80s when I was part of the one-named gaggle of  supermodels, along with Linda and Claudia and Christy and Naomi, who didn’t get out of bed for less than $10,000.

Well, I made some bad investments. M-A-D-O-F-F.  I didn’t pay as close attention to my portfolio as I should have. I had some unfortunate addictions.

Then I woke up one morning and I was, like, it’s the 21st effin century? Are you kidding me? And what is THAT on the radio? And who are these fetuses in the clubs these days?

I felt empty inside, Larry darling. The eggwhites and grapefruit weren’t FYILing me as they had in the past.

Then in group, someone passed me a copy of Find Your Inner Larry. And I started reading. And that’s not something that comes naturally, believe me.

But I couldn’t put it down. Your face lift pain? The downsizing? God. Been there. Done that.

Larry dearest, you get it. And I get you. And you are right: the Universe owes us big time.

Now I don’t feel so empty. I don’t need the alcohol or the drugs (all legitimate prescriptions, mind you) anymore. I know that I have all that I need inside me.

I am my own Inner Larry. And don't think of that in a dirty way, naughty boy!

XOXO,

Azziah

 

Wow! What did I tell you? It’s fan mail like this that keeps me on the road, hopping on the bus, day after day after day, knowing that I have the gift to help others.

Daily Affirmation: The Universe owes us our best lives. And if you know anything about collection agencies, they don’t give up. Be your own collection agency!

The Lowdown on Depression

FYIL: Find Your Inner Larry (*free* excerpt!)

Chapter 2

Do you suffer from depression?

I understand your pain. I do. Before my facelift, when I was unemployed, I was depressed a lot.

Doing anything is a lot of work when I'm depressed. Once, before my divorce, I lay down at 8 o'clock at night and said I was going to bed.  I lay down on my bed with the lights off so my wife couldn’t see me. After I hide from the world, then I cry, then I feel better for a little while. 

I used to think maybe I need to learn how to relax—I have one of the Triple A battery personalities. The only time I could be still was when I was convinced life is pointless. Or if I was really sick. Like after I was shot.

The pain meds are great for a while. Until the nausea. And the vomiting.

But that’s not what the Universe wants. We may like depression, but the Universe doesn’t.

And that’s why the Universe makes us puke up those pain pills.

Daily Affirmation: Allergies to codeine can prove a blessing in the long run. Just offer them up as a prayer to the Porcelain God in the short term.

Testimonials: Connie the Librarian

Nothing is more FYIL-fulling for me than to receive letters from all the people I've helped through my book Find Your Inner Larry and my FYIL:Vitamins for the Soul seminars.


I'd like to share one here:

Dear Mr. Walters,

I am a librarian. Remind me to tell you of the horrors of "e-chat
with a librarian" sometime.

If I get one more "Ask a Librarian" call in which someone asks me how long can they leave their kid in the car if the air conditioning is running while they go to the store or if I will do their taxes for them, I will self harm.

Quizzes are the best. They make the time pass. And FYIL: Find Your Inner Larry is full of quizzes. They’re my new at-work project. Since we aren't supposed to read – we’re only a library after all. Go figure. But we can stare at computers all we want. But NO READING. Because reading is unprofessional. Blank staring, which all of us truly dedicated proletariats have mastered, is professional.

Did I mention we had a masturbater in the 300s last night? Ugh. 

Thanks for the quizzes. I've found that I'm a Passive-Aggressive
Negotiator-Warrior. Explains everything.

Bless you!

Connie B.

Daily Affirmation: Thank you, Universe, for ensuring my book would be in the 300s in the Dewey Decimal System. You knew that's where they'd need me most.

Obama Tech Summit and Me

I was unable to attend President Obama’s recent Tech Summit in Silicon Valley due to prior commitments.

But I can tell you via my insider sources that the summit went off without a hitch. (Great going, guys! And good luck to you, too!)

However, I *can* tell you about the amazing turnout in Winnemucca’s Residence Inn for my Find Your Inner Larry: Vitamins for the Soul seminar.

First of all, Madge, you are a magician with crepe paper and helium balloons. The Donner Party Banquet Room looked just fantastic. A round of applause!

Secondly, I’d like to thank the Boy Scout Troop that showed up midway. Even if you were lost from your Scout Master and looking for food, we welcome you any time. And, Scout Number 12, your insights into survivalist techniques in case the world as we know it ends and zombies take over North America were terrific! That’s the kind of can-do attitude and positive thinking I like to hear.

Finally, to the paying participants of my FYIL seminar: you both embodied the positive side of the Force last night. From the testimonial of the brave man who has been 39 months sober and celibate to the heartfelt tears of the fisherman whose biggest catch was eaten by sharks before he could get to shore, you get it! You have Found Your Inner Larry, and you can expect the Universe to start raining with blessings from now on.

And don’t worry, Winnemucca. As the Terminator said, I’ll be back! (Sooner than you think.)

Daily Affirmation: Positive thoughts are like helium. If you don't want to crash, you have to keep blowing yourself up.

 (Thanks, Madge! They got me home safe and sound!)

Butter Dreams

The recent revelation by "This American Life" of the famed Coca-Cola formula brought back a lot of memories. Namely, that of my erstwhile entrepreneurial dream of creating VitaminButter.™

That's right! Butter with 100% of your daily vitamin requirements. It would be like eating Total™ cereal, without the flaky, dry crumbs in your mouth.

But the dream ran into a few potholes on the highway to success.

First, the vitamins were not stable when baked. They degenerated and created a chemical reaction similar to that of Coca-Cola dissolving a human tooth in a glass over time. So cakes baked with my VitaminButter™ prototypes ending up dissolving overnight. They literally ate themselves, leaving a faint whiff of sulfur in the process.

Then there was the problem with the aftertaste of the butter in its oleaginous form. It didn't bother me--at all!--but some people described it in scatological terms, which scared off my investors.

Finally, I didn't realize that condensing the essence of cow liver and heart into fat soluble butter would also condense the smell. All I could think of was the anti-aging properties of CoQ - 10 found in cow hearts and the skin softening Vitamins A and D in liver. I know. It's like "earth to Larry." I mean duh! Of course fat holds flavor too. But I had my eyes on the prize. And the blender filled with offal.

 Here's a recipe (I'm not saying it's the exact recipe, but it gives you a good idea of what I was working with):

1 stick butter
1 cow liver
1 cow heart

In its spray-form, VitaminButter™ was a thing of beauty. If you think Organic Canola Oil Pam™ tastes good, you have no idea how wonderful organic-truffle-with-a-touch-of-cracked-black-pepper-plus-tripe spray VitaminButter™ can be.

But unfortunately, in order to get 100% of your daily vitamins in its spray form, you needed to eat three cans full. Which unfortunately accounted for 7556% of the daily recommended intake of cholesterol.

At this point, I almost--almost--succumbed to despair. My wife (now ex-wife) suggested I find a different marketing tact. "Maybe you can package it with a DVD of Last Tango in Paris and call it a set," she said. "Or else Deliverance."

(But alas, distribution rights to the films proved beyond my budgetary constraints.)

See sometimes the Universe tries to tell us stuff. Like that I was destined for bigger things than butter.  If I'd succeeded, then how would I have had time to be a famous author? I'd be at home, boiling cow livers. Now I'm a Greyhound Road Rewards top tier member. And I've helped people all over the country find vitamins for their souls. 

Daily Affirmation: Thank you, Universe, for not limiting my talent to butter.

Longevity v. Optimism

I must admit I was taken aback by a recent article in the March issue of O, the Oprah Magazine.

Entitled "Reeling in the Years: An extraordinary 80-year study has led to some unexpected discoveries about long life," the seemingly innocuous article in fact packs quite the surprise gut punch.  If you look past the beautiful photograph of the candle-laden birthday cake, you will see (in small print) point number four.



It reads: "Fret A Little. Think good things and good things will happen, right? Not necessarily. Friedman and Martin found that too much optimism could be as detrimental to longevity as high cholesterol and hypertension. Always assuming the best, they say, may leave you unequipped to deal with the worst--such as trauma or illness. A little worry keeps you warmed up for the curveballs life throws." (p. 110, Amanda Schupak)

Well, speaking of curveballs, I was not expecting this from O, of all places! Maybe the halls of Emperor Palpatine's palace or in the minds of those poor souls caught in the tractor beam of the Death Star, but not O.


Where are the positive thoughts of The Secret? Where are the "Good thoughts bring actual good things to you" philosophy that we are all used to reading?

And who are these mysterious gremlins "Friedman and Martin"? According to the article, they are researchers who found the work of a Stanford University psychologist who began studying 1,500 elementary school students in 1921. And where is Mr. Pessimist Stanford Psychologist today? He is, alas, deceased.

So much for longevity!

And although my ex-wife may disagree, I have to say longevity is overrated when compared with the joyful living that Optimism brings.



Still after reading this article, I had to sit down and rest a little. After meditating, I gathered my strength and began obsessively googling to calm my nerves. And guess what the Universe led me to discover? A new self-help book!


Yes, "The Wish" is coming our way. And "The Wish" is going to take us beyond the secrets of "The Secret." Quote from the publisher's page: "The Wish takes all your anxiety and shreds it. In its place it puts strength, hope, and peace of mind. And it shows you how to build on these qualities to make all your wishes come true."

And since "The Wish" is written by an Australian psychic, obviously she oughtta know what she's talking about.

Well, thank YOU, Universe! This is what I'm talking about...Shredding anxiety. Wishes coming true. An empty, peaceful mind. This is the secret of Finding Your Inner Larry.

Daily Affirmation: I wish therefore I am.

Self Image and Self Deception

I always thought of myself as a “builder.”

I was good at writing code, I created things (systems, algorithms, spreadsheets). Not to brag (too much), but back when I had my job, all the guys in the office used to call me, “Larry, Larry, Extra Ordinary” whenever a particularly difficult or tedious problem came up. They know who you gonna call all right.

I was an engineer, for Pete’s sake! We’re “builders” by definition, even if we don’t build actual physical things these days. At least not in America. In this recession.

But that was my false self-image.

During my prolonged surgical recovery, I had time to do some reading about my inner self. I went through my wife’s subscription to O, the Oprah Magazine. And that’s how I discovered I am in fact more of a creative “nester.”

Did that shake me to my core? Admittedly, at first, yeah, a little.

But then I came to embrace my “nester” instincts.

Think about a nest. What is it? Twigs and bird spit? Sure, but it’s also a home. A place where eggs can hatch and chicks can grow. And in China, I hear, it’s a delicacy.

So here I am, a nester, creator of homes, a hatchery, a growth engine...a delicacy!

You see, this is how I embraced my inner Larry.

And you can, too.

Daily affirmation: Universe, you are the Great Nest and we are your hatchlings. You nurture us and you teach us to fly. Watch me fly, Universe!

Images and links:

lBird's Nest Olympic Stadium, Beijing, China

(architectural and engineering marvel!)

  

Bird's Nest Soup

(a delicacy in much of Asia)

Bird's Nests

(where birds come from)

Egg Pictures

(Academy-Award™ winning actress/director Jodie Foster’s production company...and remember without a nest, how can an egg grow?)

Where to begin?

I'll begin at the beginning, I guess. That seems logical. Although really what is "the beginning"? I always thought Star Wars was the beginning and then it became Episode IV: A New Hope. And a new beginning replaced the old beginning.

And that's a good point actually. Because we can all have a new beginning. What we thought was the beginning and middle of our lives can change overnight and become just another episode. Like with Star Wars. Even Episode I: The Phantom Menace wasn't the beginning. The Republic was already under attack, for Pete's sake! Palpatine was plotting to infiltrate the democratically elected Galactic Senate. The Jedis were hardly at the height of their powers. Puh-leeze. "The Beginning" [imagine air quotes here] could be seen as The Clone Wars, but even then we all know that's not the full story. (Bless your fertile imagination, George Lucas!)

The one thing my life has taught me recently, what with my divorce and the shooting and the other--shall I say?--"unpleasantness," is that we can all write our own prequels! And start anew.

That's what I call "Finding Your Inner Larry."

Here's today's affirmation: The Universe wants me to write my own prequel. Begin!

(Speaking of affirmations, check out this amazing lenticular puzzle I found in *MINT CONDITION* at a local thrift shop. $2.50! Can you believe it? Thank YOU, Universe!)